Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I attended the midnight screening of Terminator Salvation, the fourth film in the franchise. It was an interesting event, to be honest, because something happened that I didn’t expect: there were people in “costume.” I use apostrophes because to call them actual costumes would be a disgrace to all the nerds out there who actually put time and effort into their own.

Now, I’ve been to a lot of midnight movie premieres and I’ve seen a lot of people dress up for said occasions. When I attended “Star Wars: Episode III” there were plenty of people dressed up as Jedi, Darth Vader, etc. “X-Men III: The Last Stand” brought out those who wanted to be Wolverine and/or other X-Men. “Terminator Salvation”, on the other hand, brought out a bunch of people who entered the theater wearing aluminum foil wrapped around themselves. It was rather sad.

However, that’s not important. What is important is if the movie was any good.

First thing’s first: so far everyone I have made the follow joke to as simply groaned when I say it, but it bears repeating because it mostly sums up this entire review in two words. The film shouldn’t have been called Terminator Salvation, it should have been called “Terminator Callback” (insert cricket noises here).

What do I mean by that? Simple. Before the movie even began they had one of those “Behind the Movie” things that they play so you’re not bored by reading pointless movie trivia that gets replayed over and over. Of course they did a “Behind the Movie” on “Terminator Salvation” and they had an interview with the director wherein he said something along the lines of, “we wanted to keep it faithful to the rest of the franchise, we wanted to make fans happy.”

As a fan of many franchises, many of which have broken my heart previously with bad and unnecessary sequels, I’ve heard this plenty of times before. Promises that further films would be kept cannon, that they would respect the source material and other bullshit just to make you buy your ticket. Of course, at that point I had already purchased my ticket so there was no going back. At the same time I am a fan of the series so I had obligations to the inner-fan boy within me to stay in my damn seat. I did. While I wasn’t entirely disappointed by what I watched I was irked by a few things.

While it did stay “true to the franchise”, there were way too many callbacks to the entire franchise as a whole. Most, I would say, that were entirely unnecessary. Having a young Kyle Reese echo his words by saying, “Come with me if you want to live” and John Connor saying, “I’ll be back” just felt forced and cheesy. I half expected them to turn and look directly into the camera after saying their respective lines and wink at the audience. Also, while it was nice that Arnold was able to make a short cameo, it was dampened by the fact that it wasn’t really him and merely a body double stand-in that had Arnold’s face super-imposed upon it via CGI.

Now, maybe I’m nitpicking, but I couldn’t help but feel like their were other callbacks in the film that were just being shoved in my face. The whole ending climax where the T-800 skeleton is trying to kill John Connor, it seemed quite reminiscent in both the endings to “Terminator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” Also, I could have sworn I saw that 7-11 in “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”…but that’s enough of that. Let’s move on to the things that I enjoyed.

The main focus of the movie besides continuing the mythology of the franchise, mostly as far as John Connor coming into his own as a military leader and Kyle Reese getting to know him in turn, the overlying plot of the movie dealt with the notion that has been in place since the first one and it’s something about the movie that I enjoyed. It was a callback from the rest of the franchise that felt welcomed. “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines” was all right, but it was mostly an action film that helped to move along the plot of the franchise. It didn’t seem to have any heart to it, that is to say that in the end you didn’t really feel for the characters or take much away from it as the credits starting rolling.

To me the Terminator franchise has always been a case of simply man versus machine and how, day by day, we are all becoming like machines as we become more and more dependent on them to live our everyday lives. It gets to the point where you have to start questioning your humanity and ask, “Am I a man, who thinks for himself, or am I a machine that is programmed to do what I am told?” That is the main message that I have always taken away from the Terminator films and “Terminator Salvation” brought that back to the fold for me.

I won’t give away any key plot points to tell you exactly what I’m talking about, but once you see the movie you’ll know what I mean. With that said I highly recommend this movie, especially if you’re a fan of the other films in the franchise. There is plenty of action, reasonable acting and while the plot can be confusing at times and the dialogue a little cheesy it’s certainly one Terminator film that I am happy to have included in the series.

(RATING: 6 Beards out of 10 Jackets)

Now while an enlarged open flame such as a campfire isn’t as controlled and easy to cook on as say, a grill, it has a certain charm to it that a grill just cannot hope to duplicate as far as cooking goes. By that I mean, of course, the S’more.

Everyone knows how to make the conventional S’more. Get a marshmallow, put it on a stick, roast it over an open fire and then stick it between two graham crackers and a piece of chocolate. Easy, no? Sure, but recently I thought to myself, “Isn’t that quite plain? How could one spice up a S’more?”

Then it hit me: reverse it! Reverse the S’more. Instead of a normal graham cracker, substitute a chocolate graham cracker. Forget the milk chocolate, get some white chocolate! While you’re at it why not throw out that plain old white marshmallow and put in a nice big chocolate one? That’s when I knew I was on to something special. Something I like to call, “The EROM’S.”

(See what I did there?)

Now of course the first thing anyone needs to do when they come up with a recipe is to get together their ingredients. Finding chocolate graham crackers and white chocolate was not a hard task, but finding chocolate marshmallows? Damn near impossible. Every store in the area and not a single one carried chocolate marshmallows; just plain old white ones. With no where else to turn to I went online to see what I could find. Apparently Jet-Puffed, one of the most recognizable national brands, doesn’t even have chocolate marshmallows.

Unless you want to buy it in a small variety pack and/or special “Swirl Mallows” but I wanted pure chocolate! Was that too much to ask? I mean, really, this seems like a money maker.

Luckily I came across this website called “Laura’s Candy“, which specializes in flavored marshmallows and purchased myself a package of their dark chocolate marshamallows. Finally the ingrediants were assembled and could be brought together to make the Erom’s a reality!

Standard process, really. It’s all the same except for the ingredients. Well, technically they are the same just reversed. Put the mallow on one side of the graham and the chocolate on the other side of the graham. Ideally this should be done outside, in a campfire, but if you’re doing the at home version than I recommend putting this concoction into your microwave for about 30 seconds. Maybe less depending on your microwave. I put this thing in for 30 seconds on my own and the damn marshmallow ballooned out of proportion.

There was a bit of spill-over but nothing too serious. Then again, what’s making a S’more (or Erom’s) without a little mess? Of course, who cares about mess when the real point of this article is to ask the question, “How does it taste?” Well, I can tell you here and now that it is quite delicious and all together unique. Certainly not like a S’more at all. In fact, If I had to say that it’s taste resembled anything I would have to say that it tastes like an Oreo. A big crunchy, gooey, melty, sticky Oreo. I don’t know about you, but that’s heaven right there.

Now, the stereotype about Americans would have you believe that we are all lazy, stupid and fat. Not one to let a classic die, I decided to keep that idea fresh in the mind of the world. I was inspired yesterday to create a monstrosity of meaty magnitude that no one had ever seen or eaten, as it were, as the creation in question was a sandwich of epic proportions!

First, a little back story…

There is a website called, This is Why You’re Fat, which is a site that shows-off a bunch of food items that were created by various people that give a whole new meaning to the term, “going overboard.” Well, one of the items on the site peaked the interest of my two friends who sought to re-create it in all its gluttonous glory.

It’s called the McGangBang.

It consists of a McChicken sandwich stuffed in between the two beef patties of a double cheeseburger from McDonalds.

Now, my two friends recreated this sandwich and I congratulated them on their delicious success. However, I admit to not being satisfied by this turn of events. To me, while the McGangBang is an impressive and creative accomplishment, I felt like it could be pushed even further to create something even better. Or worse.

You see, I figured that while it was great to have a chicken sandwich and a hamburger all rolled up into one, representing a chicken and cow respectively, there was still room for other animals to be represented. Isn’t it every meat-loving person’s dream to be able to eat all animals at once? I know it’s mine! That’s when I remembered that McDonalds also has a Filet O’ Fish sandwich. I mean, how can you forget about it when a damn commercial won’t get out of your head? (Gimmie back that Fillet of Fish, gimmie that…damn it!)

So, with that, a fish had also been added to the equation. However, I didn’t stop there. I figured, what would a sandwich be without bacon? Nothing, that’s what! However, to my dismay, the only sandwich offered by McDonalds that has any bacon in it is their stupid BLT sandwich. See? This is why I don’t like McDonalds and prefer other establishments. The Bacon Factor. Step up your game, McDonalds! You’re just lucky I went to your restaurant. After all, if I didn’t, I certainly could not call the sandwich the McOrgy!

So, yeah, not being satisfied enough with just adding fish to the mix I decided that I needed to add a pig; namely bacon. Now, you might be asking, why did I grab a bag of real bacon bits and not strips of pre-cooked bacon or even raw bacon? Easy. I’m lazy. Who has time to cook bacon? Also, pre-cooked bacon is too small and tastes horrible. Bacon bits, however? Delicious.

Once all my ingredients were assembled I played doctor and tore open the double cheeseburger and gave it about 100CCs of bacon bit goodness! Now this sandwich had four animals to contend with: cow, chicken, fish and pig! Oh my, have mercy!

The next part was simple enough: stick the McChicken and the Filet O’ Fish, buns and all, between the two halves of the double cheeseburger. Thus creating, what I have dubbed…

THE McORGY

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing…

I enjoy the characters, the story lines and most of all their struggles. I certainly feel that while they are stories about humans with superpowers (and even those without) they are more or less stories about people not unlike you or I. They deal with problems, both emotional and physical, that test them to their very limits everyday.

Of course, superheroes are fictional. However, the question is always asked: what if they were real? What if superheroes really existed in the real world?

Now, I’ve never read the original Watchmen graphic novel. Although, I’ve known some that have. After seeing this film though, I’m kind of glad that I had not read the graphic novel before hand. I seriously felt that going into the film with no expectation and nothing to compare the movie to was a much better experience than it would have been had I something else to remember it by. With that said, let me just say that I really enjoyed the movie.

Although, that isn’t to say that there weren’t some things that I disagreed with. The one thing that bothered me the most about the movie was the ending. Well, not so much the ending but the climax of the film. You know, that part in any action/superhero film wherein the heroes finally come face-to-face with the villain for the epic showdown. I won’t spoil it for those that have not seen the film, but I can say that up until that point there was nothing wrong with the film in my mind. Especially one scene that was horribly edited.

Now, of course, as I’ve mentioned before I have not read the original graphic novel so I don’t know the differences between them but from what I’ve heard they are kind of different. Does this mean that I will be procuring the graphic novel at some point? Perhaps. Maybe then and only then will I be able to do a complete review of the film, but until then this is what you get. So, back to the pros: what did I enjoy?

I enjoyed the action (top notch), there was plenty of blood and gore (surprised at that one) and quite the saucy sex scene (that was quite unexpected, as well) that kept things moving along nicely. I especially loved the opening title sequence which showed the history of this alternate world of superheros and how they influenced key-moments in history. I am quite the sucker for alternate history induced media. As well as things being set in the 1980s, which to me was the greatest decade of all time (far as I’ve been alive, that is), although some of the music cues seemed out of place.

Besides that though, I did enjoy it and would reccomend it. Chances are I will end up buying the graphic novel and giving that a go, and when I do, chances are I just may review it as well. Who knows, it might even change my opinion on the movie, too.

(RATING: 7 Beards out of 10 Jackets)

Now, usually these things are only available for a limited amount of time. Once the movie is out of the theaters no one cares anymore and the remaining toys that didn’t get sold at the local McDonalds are soon thrown out the door in preparation of the next big thing. That is, of course, unless you are talking about the Rodeo Burger from Burger King. What is a Rodeo Burger, you may ask? It’s simply a cheeseburger that has onion rings on top of it as well as barbecue sauce. Now, you may ask, what’s so special about that?

Fact is, it wasn’t the King that brought the burger into existence but a little movie known as “Small Soldiers.”

If you don’t remember this movie I don’t blame you as it’s forgettable; which is a shame because it was Phil Hartman’s last role (playing some annoying neighbor). None the less, the top executives behind this film felt like they had something on their hands: a pure cash cow. They saw action figures, they saw video games and they saw tie-ins with major fast food restaurants. Seeing as how McDonalds still had their agreement with Disney at the time, it was more often than not that Burger King that would get first dibs on any other kid-friendly or animated fan-fare that happened to fall into the open market at the time.

Therefore, it came to pass that Small Soldiers and Burger King teamed up. I’m sure they produced some toys for the Burger King Kids Club, or whatever, but none of that matters some eleven years later as none of those toys are around to satisfy our hungers. Only the Rodeo Burger remains. Which is something that I don’t understand as I’ve never seen the connection between the two entities. I mean, sure, I haven’t seen Small Soldiers in eleven years but I don’t recall Rodeo Burgers playing a big role in the film. The only thing I can think about is that Burger King, at the time, had already thought up the idea for the Rodeo Burger but just didn’t know how to market it. Low and behold, here comes Small Soldiers so they figured, “Fuck it, slap ‘em together and we’ll move on.”

Well, no one may remember Small Soldiers much anymore but if you go to your local Burger King chances are you will find a Rodeo Burger still available on the menu. Now, you might be once again asking a question after reading all of this: “What does talking about the history of the Rodeo Burger have anything to do with the title of this article; White Chicks: The Burger?”

It’s simple really, though to understand the truth of it all I must take you back a few years. The equally horrible movie, “White Chicks”, had just come out and a few of my friends and I were eating some food at the local Burger King. One of my friends, The Paitch, related the story that I just explained above to all of us that night as he mowed down his Rodeo Burger. All of us being equally perplexed as to what the connection between such a sandwhich and the movie had, we began to think of other movies that could benefit from a more fitting burger tie-in. For some reason another friend (Jim Joyce) and I decided that if ever there were to be a more perfect burger/movie-tie in it would have to be “The White Chicks Burger.”

The one thing that we could never agree on however was what exactlly a “White Chicks Burger” would be. Clearly, we reasoned, since the plot of the movie deals with two black cops going undercover as two white women the normally black burger in question would have to be encased in some kind of white substance. At first I thought maybe vanilla icing would work, doubling as both dinner and desert, but as I thought more about it I reasoned that this would most likely taste disgusting.

Boy, was I wrong:

THE WHITE CHICKS BURGER RECIPE

INGREDIENTS

1xPackage of Hamburgers

1xPackage of Hamburger Buns

1xCan of White Vanillia Frosting

1xBag of Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

1xBottle of Ketchup/Catsup (not pictured)

DIRECTIONS

1. Cook as many hamburgers as you wish anyway you want as well-done or char broiled as you want, making sure that at least at the end of said cooking method the burger is no longer pink and is visible darkned.

2. Coat the burger with the vanilla frosting; not too much and not too little. You want to make sure that all dark parts of the burger are not showing. This is, in essence, the “white makeup” that you are putting on the burger much like the characters in the film do to their own faces/skin.

3. Put the now vanillia frosting coated burger on to one of the hamburger buns and top the burger halfway with monzarella cheese. This will simulate the blond hair. Top the other half of the burger with ketchup/catsup which will simulate the lips/lipstick. Adding pickles or onions for eyeballs can be added to your preference, but I do not enjoy them so I didn’t do it.

4. Eat and…Enjoy?

Like I said, I wasn’t exactly sure where to go with this one. At first I thought about coating the burger with flour or breadcrumbs and frying it much like chicken-fried steak. However, this ended up being a disaster as the finished product was still quite black and didn’t give that whole “White Chicks” look about the burger.  That’s when I thought about vanilla frosting. At first I figured this would be disgusting, as mentioned before, and was hesitant to try it.

I was pleasantly surprised that the burger is quite tasty. The vanilla frosting does not overpower the burger at all and gives it a nice sweetness to it. Would I eat them all the time? I doubt it. Could it have worked as a movie-burger tie-in product? Maybe, but only if it were for a limited amount of time. I can’t imagine people would be craving these things as much as they do the Rodeo Burger, but that’s just a testament to it’s everlasting power and appeal.

Beards and Jackets invaded Late Night Jenga Jam and things got a little bit crazy as we talked about everything from applying raw meat to your beard to what kind of music you should sing in prison. This being the PILOT EPISODE of the Beards and Jackets Podcast, the world must be on the edge of their seats waiting for news of if it being picked up or not, right?

Well, sit comfortably world because Beards and Jackets the Podcast will be hitting your internet in the near future! When exactly, you say? Watch this website for more details!