Now, of course, there are two types of bad movies. Movies that are so bad they’re good and movies that are so bad that they’re just bad. Of course, in the end, it’s all a matter of opinion and taste in the eye of the beholder. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Some might look at a film like “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and say that’s a bad movie.

Maybe, but I still enjoy it for the fact that even though the acting might not be great, the special effects are hokey and there’s quite a few mistakes like visible boom microphones, it still has that certain charm to it that allows me to watch it over and over again. It’s a fun movie that really doesn’t take itself too seriously.

On the opposite side of the coin, take a film like “The Lord of the Rings”. I know plenty of people that love this film, but it just bores me to tears. It looks nice, sure, there’s plenty of computer generated special effects, yeah, but it’s boring to me. It looks far too polished and, in way, takes itself too seriously by pretty much faking everything. It’s just another case of the Hollywood machine doing what it does best by churning out over polished films.

I like to watch a film that’s raw. Give me a guy in a rubber suit that I can see the zipper in the back over a computer generated monster any day. Give me an obvious matte painting rather than a computer generated background. You can keep your high-definition, your Blu-Ray and most certainly your 3D because I still hold onto my VHS collection. It’s quality over quantity, it’s the care and attention that’s put into these by smaller groups than massive studios.

This is why, especially these days, I find myself searching outside of Hollywood more often for more independent movies made by smaller studios that make movies just to make movies. The kinds of people who care about the art of film making more than the color of money. Also, in my mind, it helps if the concept of their creations is unique, ambitious and creativly interesting.

Something that I believe totally fits the bill with Arrowstorm Entertainment‘s “OSOMBIE”.

Yes, the movie is about a zombie Osama Bin Laden. I find this concept to be quite interesting in many ways, but mostly because it reminds me of a sub-genre of exploitation movies that I think can only be summed up by the term, “Hitler-ploitation”. During World War II the boys who stayed at home did their best for the moral of the country by pumping out movies about Hitler that, obviously, painted him in a negitive light.

The films AFTER World War II did a similar thing, for the most part, although they mostly dealt with the aftermath of Hitler’s death and the ways in which he could return. I think the most famous of these films would have to be, “They Saved Hitler’s Brain”. Of course, there were countless others where they tried to clone Hitler, bring him back from the dead or whatever, but you get the idea.

Is this the beginning of a new genre of films? Osama-ploitation? Maybe. Either way, I learned about this film only today and already I want to learn more about it; hell, I even put fifty dollars of my own money towards helping produce this film. To me, this is the true spirit of independent film making and what seperates them from big time Hollywood studios.

Hollywood fears the internet, because they simply don’t understand it at all. To them, they only see a barren wasteland like the old wild west where everyone is a thief ready to steal their goods straight from their stagecoaches. Meanwhile they offer us snake oil to prove that, hey, they’re really our friends and they’re doing the best to provide us with the best entertainment possible!

No.

You see, Kickstarter is this wonderful website (much like another site akin to it called IndieGoGo) where people can ask for help to fund their projects with the added benefit being that depending on how much money a certain person donates they will be compensated with goods or perks.

Being that I also love to collect unique stuff it’s hard for me to resist really.

Independent film studios, much like Arrowstorm Entertainment, know the internet and they know how to work things by using such a feature to help fund their films and generate buzz. Therefore, as I mentioned before, I couldn’t just stand idly by and went ahead and slapped down fifty dollars on the proverbial table.

What does this amount get me in the end?

The ULTIMATE FAN PACKAGE – an exclusive Kickstarter Supporters Edition DVD signed by director John Lyde and members of the cast, a signed CD of the epic soundtrack, a signed copy of the screenplay by Kurt Hale, an Osombie range target by Ops Gear, a signed 11×17 inch poster, plus Zombie Insurance.

Seriously, who could ask for more? That’s quite a deal at fifty dollars, at least I think so, especially when it’s helping to fund such an interesting movie. Still not convinced?

Check out the trailer:

Awesome, right? If you think so, I suggest throwing a few bucks into the jar, too.

Needless to say, I will most likely review this film and all the goodies I receive.

Don’t judge me.

Anyway, on a recent excursion, I happened to stumble on something that made me question my sanity for a moment. First of all, I should preface this by saying that I went to the theater and saw the movie, “Real Steel”. Yeah, you know the one, with Hugh Jackman and Rock’em Sock’em Robots. At least, that’s the joke that everyone kept making whenever anyone ever heard of the movie. Overall, I enjoyed the movie for what it was in that it was a movie with robots kicking the crap out of each other and something about a father and son coming together or whatever, but who cares about that?

ROBOTS!

FIGHTING!

FUCK YEAH!

Therefore, imagine my dismay when I saw this…

What the hell–?! Okay, so let me get this straight… you make a movie that people joked was just a Rock’em Sock’em Robot movie and so, therefore, you logically go ahead and make a damn toy that is basically just Rock’em Sock’em Robots?!

What is this, I don’t even…

Of course, considering that this is a toy it’s therefore targeted towards kids and, unless you’ve got a kid who knows his history, there’s a good chance that a kid this day has no idea what Rock’em Sock’em Robots even is so this is news to them, I guess.

Now, getting to control little plastic representations of robots is one thing, but getting to actually pretend you’re a robot yourself? You know, without the use of cardboard, a metal pasta strainer and multi-colored pipe cleaners (worst Halloween costume ever!).

Well, don’t worry, because the toy makers thought of everything…

ROBOT HAND BOXING GLOVES! Now, these are nothing really new I’m afraid. Back when The Hulk movie was all the rage they released giant green Hulk hands that made Hulk noises when you tried doing your best impression of the Hulk smashing stuff; except for, you know, box office records.

They did the same for The Thing (from the Fantastic Four, not the John Carpenter movie although that would have been awesome, too) but they went the extra mile be giving you FEET! Now, when I was kid, I had a pair of dinosaur slippers that used to roar every time I walked so I can see the appeal, but who wants to be The Thing? I mean, seriously.

Now, I know what you’re saying: “Yeah, wearing plush boxing gloves that make robot sounds is nice and all, but isn’t there a way I can look like a robot myself that I can buy instead of make myself that will look really, really bad?” Of course!

Although, why would you even think that, I have no idea…

I mean, look at this thing: it’s the ATOM ROLEPLAY SET! Now you too can dress up like the world’s worst robot for only THIRTY-FIVE(!!!) dollars!

This all inclusive set includes: a complete set of two orange mittens, a plastic mask that looks like something a well-known horror movie icon rejected and what appears to be either a long-sleeve t-shirt or a cheaply made smock that’s a nod to old cheap costumes from the 70′s. Everything old is new again!

By far, though, the creepiest thing about this is the child in the bottom right who is modeling the finished product.

Seriously, just take a look at this kid and ask yourself one question:

NIGHTMARE FUEL or FUTURE SERIAL KILLER?

However, in the past year or so, I’ve heard rumors of board game movies that are set to come out within the the next few years such as Monopoly, Candy Land and Battleship, the later of  which has an actual trailer!

Well, Hollywood, if you’re completely out of ideas as this point than why not let me give you a few more if you’ve gotten so desperate as to steal ideas from board games…

PERFECTION

Remember the catchy jingle that was in the commercial?

“Put the pieces into the slot, make the right selection, but be quick you’re racing the clock; POP goes Perfection!” Well, okay, imagine this: an insane man whose goal is to weed out those who are not perfect sets up a series of bombs around a city.

These bombs can only be defused if someone perfectly aligns a series of electronic symbols into a computer connected to said explosives within a certain time period, or else they will explode.

A down on his luck detective who has always been a bit of a slob, and the antithesis of “perfect”, who was always good at puzzles finds himself wrapped up in this deadly game. It becomes not only a race against the clock to stop these bombs, but every time he defuses one it gets him one step closer to the location of the insane man himself whose behind everything.

CROSSFIRE

This board game had, quite possibly, the most epically awesome commercial of all time. Therefore, it can only be assumed that a movie based off of it would have to be equally as over the top and utterly ridiculous.

As the narrator in the commercial explains: “It’s sometime in the future; the ultimate challenge: Crossfire!”

Therefore, here’s how I see a movie based on the game being: Sometime in the future, sports have crossed with war into the ultimate challenge of life and death called “Crossfire”!

Ever since the introduction of this barbaric event, war has been abolished and instead a tournament that occurs every four years (replacing the Olympics) decides the powers of the world based on how well countries place within the tournament.

This year, the representative from the United States enters the tournament to reclaim the glory of his country after America lost early in the competition at the previous event and fell into hard times as a result. As this brave patriot makes his way through the tournament, he quickly learns that there is much backstabbing and greed that comes with it and must overcome all the odds to save not only himself but his entire country from the brink of annihilation!

MOUSE TRAP

Anyone who ever played this game never really played the game as much as they simply just set the damn thing up just to watch how it worked and then promptly boxed it back up again until they wanted to see how it worked again after watching the commercial.

If you were to actually make a movie based on this board game, I think you could go the “SAW” route with it in terms of it being about an inventor who becomes so obsessed with trying to make the perfect mouse trap that he starts using human test subjects. Plus, Rube Goldberg traps of death just sound dangerously awesome.

Just recently in fact, while I attended a screening of “The Lion King” in 3D, I noticed something that bothered me (besides the 3D) even though I had seen the movie numerous times in my lifetime since it’s release.

Of course, when you’re a kid you don’t tend to really see things in gray, it’s all black and white. The heroes are good and the villains are bad, as we are led to believe within the parameters of the story.

However, something about what happened in the film made me wonder if Scar was really that bad of a guy in the end…

I mean, yes, okay, he killed his brother Mufasa. I understand that, but that’s not what I am debating in this article.

I am debating the fact that, under his rule as king, he allowed the Pride Land to turn into a wasteland; this was NOT his fault!

First off, how long was Simba gone from the Pride Land before he returned?

While it’s never specifically stated within the movie, Simba goes from being a cub to a full grown adult lion by the time that he does and a lion reaches maturity at about 3 years.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, this is how old Simba was when he was driven out of the Pride Lands by Scar. It’s also stated by the previously mentioned website that lions start to age and weaken by 10 to 15 years old.

So, again, for argument sake let’s say that Simba was gone from the Pride Lands for seven years and was 10 years old when he returned with Scar, no doubt, near the tail end of a Lion’s lifespan. Therefore, one may ask, what could happen in seven years? Oh, I don’t know… maybe a massive drought?

According to the NOAA, droughts in Africa occur quite often (usually between the months of January to May) and are also quite severe.

Therefore, who is to really say that the terrible drought-like conditions of the Pride Lands during Scars reign are really due to his terrible rule as king?

If anything, I say Mufasa just got lucky during his reign. It was probably the off-season.

I mean, sure, Scar let the hyenas run free and eat some of the animals that the lions and others ate, scaring them off, but don’t you think that perhaps say, oh I don’t know, a DROUGHT would do more to drive away animals and therefore give others a lack of food?

If anything, the other members of the Pride were simply idiots for following Scar in the first place. Isn’t it instinct for most animals to go elsewhere for food if there isn’t any at their current location? Sure, Scar was a selfish ruler in that he used the hyenas to keep the rest of the pride there and hunt and gather food for him, but still…

The point is this: Scar, as much as he is a murderer and a terrible ruler, cannot be held responsible for a natural disaster like a drought.

Call me a terrible devil’s advocate and/or lawyer, if you will, but I think I proved my point!

Every school day, in the lunchroom, it became like our own version of Wall Street as we sold, bought, traded and bartered our way towards a (hopefully) better dessert for that day. Sometimes, like the stock market, you win in the end while other times you hit rock bottom.

Confused? Let me break it down for you…

THE HEAVY HITTERS.

Cookies were always a popular trade, mostly chocolate chip or Oreos.

Although, there was often nothing worse than thinking you were getting chocolate chip only to find out that you had been deceived—they were really raisins! Since these were often most in demand, it was important to notice the details.

Name brand varieties held higher value than homemade, which were a gamble, unless you knew that the person you were trading with had a Mom that was good at baking.

Same could be said with brownies as there was often not many mainstream versions sold, those few were often sub par.

THE EASY BETS.

Fruit Snacks were a quick and easy trade in most situations as, really, they were more or less the same thing but two factors were always key when they were put into consideration on the trading block:

1. The Flavors

Normally fruit snacks come in small packs that contain about 8 or 10 pieces of a random assortment, unless you were dealing with a brand that stuck to just one flavor or had something special about them; i.e. Gushers, Fruit by the Foot or Fruit Roll-Ups. As mentioned with the cookies, name brands held a higher value amongst all others. Case in point…

2. The Shapes

Normally the shape of the fruit snack did not matter, seeing that they often looked like pieces of fruit or simply were rolled out into a flat shape. However, if there was a cartoon series or movie out that had a tie-in with a company that made fruit snacks, the value in this instantly went up as long as said property the snacks were based off of were popular enough. As soon as it wasn’t, your fruit snacks were just as worthless as the next.

THE GAME CHANGERS.

Every now and then there would come a new contender into the fray that would challenge previously held systems of beliefs and ways of going about transactions.

These new items may last or just be passing fads, but either way they would change the game either forever or for just a short time.

Examples: 

When Dunkaroos hit the scene they didn’t make that much of a splash at first, but like a cinnamon graham cracker scooping up frosting with sprinkles these started an uproar in the lunchroom.

While some people were content with simply eating it as advertised, using said cinnamon graham crackers to scoop up the previously mentioned frosting with sprinkles, others simply wanted it just for the frosting alone.

Shark Bites changed the fruit snack market forever when they arrived on the scene, which was odd for a fruit snack that wasn’t tied directly to an already established property but instead under another similar property of popularity: Sharks are awesome.

Shark Bites did something that no other fruit snack had done at the time and, in doing so, really changed the game as far as fruit snacks themselves were concerned; each pack had the possibility of having a great white shark piece.

The great white shark pieces, a mystery flavor, were the most sought of all pieces but the inclusion of them inside any given pack was totally random and a high gamble when under consideration for a trade.

If you were lucky the pack you got would have at least one. More than one and you hit the jackpot. If you opened a pack without one, however, it ruined your day.

LUNCHTIME WAS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

After leaving the doctor’s office for my yearly physical, and losing five pounds recently from going to the gym, naturally I decided to celebrate by going to McDonald’s and buying one of their patented “triple thick” milkshakes, complete with artificial lime flavoring and a hint of faux mint.

The first McDonald’s I went to was having problems with their milkshake machine, much to my chagrin; was this a sign? Was I to never taste the sweet nectar of a Shamrock Shake? The second McDonald’s I went to wasn’t even serving them! Are you kidding me? I know that they say “participation may vary”, but are you serious?

I couldn’t believe it; somewhere, a leprechaun must be laughing at me! The third place I went to was the local mall which, at 9:30am, hadn’t even fully opened yet but I was surprised to find that some restaurants within the food court were indeed open.

Luckily one of them was, in fact, McDonald’s and, yes, they had Shamrock Shakes!

That’s when I was presented with this:

A vanilla milkshake mixed with some sort of green syrup; how did it taste? All right, I guess. I mean, it was nothing special.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that all my life I’ve been hyping it up as something special due to the fact that I’ve missed out on trying one every year until now, but it’s really not all that great, unfortunately.

You can hardly taste the artificial lime (which is good, because I hate lime unless it’s paired with lemon in some sort of carbonated drink) and the faux mint is just as hard to place amidst your taste buds.

Next year, I think I’ll just eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.

I attended the second annual Webcomics Weekend two weeks ago (and yes, I’m finally getting around to talking about it) after attending the very first event of the same name the year prior; and I’ll continue to be in attendance as long as they keep having the event every subsequent year. What follows is a bullet-point style report of some of the shenanigans, observations and general sights or sounds that I took in while I was there: 

• Two major issues arose as I entered the building in question where the event has been held both years, within the confines of Eastworks in East Hampton, MA:

1. There used to be this awesome little restaurant in the building the first year that I went and they made some amazing food. Unfortunately, it changed management and is now a mediocre burger and sandwich shop. An interesting story that always gets brought up between myself and a friend who attended with me is that on the Sunday morning of last year I ordered a breakfast burrito that was so large I simply could not finish it. Best yet, sitting at the table next to us was the Webcomics.com crew who, just a day earlier, recorded a hilarious podcast live which I got to sit in on.

2. The first year I went there was a used record store inside the building which, unfortunately, was no longer in business the second time around. This troubled me doubly because the first year I bought a vinyl copy of Journey’s “Escape” for a dollar only to discover, once I got back home, that the record inside the sleeve was actually the Moody Blues. Lame.

• Whenever you go to a convention you always got to wonder: Who will be there? Well,  there were a lot of people who showed up that I was excited to see that were not in attendance the first year but, just the same, there were people from the first year that did not return the second year:

1. Jeff Zugale: I’ll admit that I am not really a fan of his webcomic; not for any reason other than I just have no interest in it. However, I do enjoy his music. He recorded only one album, which was only released in Japan, and, unfortunately, did not do well in sales. When I talked to him the first year I asked if he had any copies of the album for sale and he said that if I contacted him via email he could make me a copy.

However, I did him one better and found an original copy on eBay for $70! I emailed him and told him this and he was ecstatic and told me that if I brought it with me next year he would sign it for me but, alas, he could not make it the second year due to his wife having a baby and other financial situations.

2. The Webcomics.com Crew: As I mentioned above, sitting in on their live podcast recording was quite possible the major highlight of the first year and I looked forward to seeing them again this year but, for whatever reason, none of them (except for Dave Kellett, who mostly just ran a booth) was able to attend; maybe next year? Or not, we’ll see.

• Now, as for the people who were there that I was happy to get to meet and, above all else, get them to sign my books of their respective work:

1. Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content: I follow him on Twitter and one thing we have in common is that we like to watch very bad movies with friends, and one such movie that I learned about from both him and another friend that also follows his Twitter, is a movie called: “Birdemic“. The sketch on the left which I requested Jeph draw in my copy of his first book is a picture of one of his characters, Yelling Bird, attacking another one of his characters, Pintsize, who is defending himself with a hanger. If you’ve never seen the movie, “Birdemic”, than this might not make any sense. Any way, Jeph thought this picture was quite humorous and, while he was drawing it, we talked about some bad movies including, “The Room” and the insanity/genius that is Tommy Wiseau. We even did our best impression of him yelling random things. It was awesome. Jeph is a cool guy and a class act, no doubt. His dog, Shelby, even smelled me and I got to pat her!

2. Aaron Diaz of Dresden Codak: When I approached him I asked to buy one of his books and he asked me if I wanted a sketch inside and I said, “Sure”, but when he asked me what I wanted a sketch of I froze up like the kid in “A Christmas Story” when he meets Santa. So, he just drew me Hob, one of his robot creations from his strip. If I thought more about it I probably would have asked him to draw me a picture of Captain Picard doing something silly, as earlier Mr. Diaz was apart of a panel where webcomic artists talked about their Star Trek fandom. While he was drawing, I asked him about one of his side projects simply entitled, “The Dresden Codak Show” and we talked about that for a few minutes. Certainly an intelligent guy and I only wish I could have prepared myself to say something a bit more intelligent back at him.

3. Kate Beaton of Hark! A Vagrant: She was the one that I was looking forward to meeting the most, as it would seem that way with a lot of people who were there because her line was, quite possibly, the longest line of anyone that weekend and I think it really took a toll on her because she left early the first day. She ended up leaving early the second day, too, but luckily I was able to get in line and get her to sign her book for me before she left for the day. Don’t get me wrong, she was very nice, but I could tell that she was a bit stressed out at this point and it seemed to me like she underestimated just how popular she has become in such a short time. I wanted to get her to draw a sketch for me that was a bit more elaborate than what she ended up doing, but her wrist was really hurting her at that point to where her hand was visibly shaking as she wrote the following note in my book and I felt really bad afterwards:

“Hey Travis! I’m so glad you got one of the first books. I’m sorry my hand is cramped up, but I will draw more comics for you on the internet! <3 Kate”

It was still sweet, though. I didn’t even know that I bought one of her first books but, according to her, the first run of her book (which I got) had a glossy cover while the others were matted. Of course, this is probably why the ink from her sharpie kind of smudged and took longer to dry on my book, but it still held up more or less. Either way, I really appreciate her having been there and I hope she comes again next time! As for what I wanted her to draw, I wanted her to do a sketch of Napoleon riding the pony from her strip.

You’d have to listen to her appearance on my friend’s podcast, in which I called in and talked to her, to understand.

• All in all, an awesome time and I simply cannot wait for next year! Well, I mean, other stuff DID happen this year like panels, or whatever, but… ’til next time!

Now while an enlarged open flame such as a campfire isn’t as controlled and easy to cook on as say, a grill, it has a certain charm to it that a grill just cannot hope to duplicate as far as cooking goes. By that I mean, of course, the S’more.

Everyone knows how to make the conventional S’more. Get a marshmallow, put it on a stick, roast it over an open fire and then stick it between two graham crackers and a piece of chocolate. Easy, no? Sure, but recently I thought to myself, “Isn’t that quite plain? How could one spice up a S’more?”

Then it hit me: reverse it! Reverse the S’more. Instead of a normal graham cracker, substitute a chocolate graham cracker. Forget the milk chocolate, get some white chocolate! While you’re at it why not throw out that plain old white marshmallow and put in a nice big chocolate one? That’s when I knew I was on to something special.

Something I like to call, “The EROM’S.”

(See what I did there?)

Now of course the first thing anyone needs to do when they come up with a recipe is to get together their ingredients.

Finding chocolate graham crackers and white chocolate was not a hard task, but finding chocolate marshmallows?

Damn near impossible.

Every store in the area and not a single one carried chocolate marshmallows; just plain old white ones. With no where else to turn to I went online to see what I could find.

Apparently Jet-Puffed, one of the most recognizable national brands, doesn’t even have chocolate marshmallows. Wow, way to drop the ball on that one.

Unless you want to buy it in a small variety pack and/or special “Swirl Mallows” but I wanted pure chocolate! Was that too much to ask? I mean, this seems like a money maker.

Luckily I came across this website called “Laura’s Candy“, which specializes in flavored marshmallows. and purchased myself a package of their dark chocolate marshmallows. Finally the ingredients were brought together to make the Erom’s a reality!

Standard process, really. It’s all the same except for the ingredients.

Well, technically, they are the same just reversed.

You know what I mean.

Put the mallow on one side of the graham and the chocolate on the other side of the graham.

Ideally this should be done outside, in a campfire, but if you’re doing this at home than I recommend putting this concoction into your microwave for about 30 seconds. Maybe less depending on your microwave. I put this thing in for 30 seconds on my own and the damn marshmallow ballooned out of proportion.

There was a bit of spill-over but nothing too serious. Then again, what’s making a S’more (or Erom’s) without a little mess? Of course, who cares about mess when the real point of this article is to ask the question, “How does it taste?”

Well, I can tell you here and now that it is quite delicious and all together unique. Certainly not like a S’more at all. In fact, if I had to say that it’s taste resembled anything I would have to say that it tastes like an Oreo. A big crunchy, gooey, melty, sticky Oreo.

I don’t know about you, but that’s heaven right there:

Now, the stereotype about Americans would have you believe that we are all lazy, stupid and fat. Not one to let a classic die, I decided to keep that idea fresh in the mind of the world. I was inspired yesterday to create a monstrosity of meaty magnitude that no one had ever seen or eaten, as it were, as the creation in question was a sandwich of epic proportions!

First, a little back story…

There is a website called, This is Why You’re Fat, which is a site that shows-off a bunch of food items that were created by various people that give a whole new meaning to the term, “going overboard.” Well, one of the items on the site peaked the interest of my two friends who sought to re-create it in all its gluttonous glory.

It’s called the McGangBang.

It consists of a McChicken sandwich stuffed in between the two beef patties of a double cheeseburger from McDonalds.

Now, my two friends recreated this sandwich and I congratulated them on their delicious success. However, I admit to not being satisfied by this turn of events. To me, while the McGangBang is an impressive and creative accomplishment, I felt like it could be pushed even further to create something even better. Or worse.

You see, I figured that while it was great to have a chicken sandwich and a hamburger all rolled up into one, representing a chicken and cow respectively, there was still room for other animals to be represented. Isn’t it every meat-loving person’s dream to be able to eat all animals at once? I know it’s mine! That’s when I remembered that McDonalds also has a Filet O’ Fish sandwich. I mean, how can you forget about it when a damn commercial won’t get out of your head? (Gimmie back that Fillet of Fish, gimmie that…damn it!)

So, with that, a fish had also been added to the equation. However, I didn’t stop there. I figured, what would a sandwich be without bacon? Nothing, that’s what! However, to my dismay, the only sandwich offered by McDonalds that has any bacon in it is their stupid BLT sandwich. See? This is why I don’t like McDonalds and prefer other establishments. The Bacon Factor. Step up your game, McDonalds! You’re just lucky I went to your restaurant. After all, if I didn’t, I certainly could not call the sandwich the McOrgy!

So, yeah, not being satisfied enough with just adding fish to the mix I decided that I needed to add a pig; namely bacon. Now, you might be asking, why did I grab a bag of real bacon bits and not strips of pre-cooked bacon or even raw bacon? Easy. I’m lazy. Who has time to cook bacon? Also, pre-cooked bacon is too small and tastes horrible. Bacon bits, however? Delicious.

Once all my ingredients were assembled I played doctor and tore open the double cheeseburger and gave it about 100CCs of bacon bit goodness! Now this sandwich had four animals to contend with: cow, chicken, fish and pig! Oh my, have mercy!

The next part was simple enough: stick the McChicken and the Filet O’ Fish, buns and all, between the two halves of the double cheeseburger. Thus creating, what I have dubbed…

THE McORGY

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing…

Now, usually these things are only available for a limited amount of time. Once the movie is out of the theaters no one cares anymore and the remaining toys that didn’t get sold at the local McDonalds are soon thrown out the door in preparation of the next big thing. That is, of course, unless you are talking about the Rodeo Burger from Burger King. What is a Rodeo Burger, you may ask? It’s simply a cheeseburger that has onion rings on top of it as well as barbecue sauce. Now, you may ask, what’s so special about that?

Fact is, it wasn’t the King that brought the burger into existence but a little movie known as “Small Soldiers.”

If you don’t remember this movie I don’t blame you as it’s forgettable; which is a shame because it was Phil Hartman’s last role (playing some annoying neighbor).

None the less, the top executives behind this film felt like they had something on their hands: a pure cash cow. They saw action figures, they saw video games and they saw tie-ins with major fast food restaurants.

Seeing as how McDonalds still had their agreement with Disney at the time, it was more often than not that Burger King that would get first dibs on any other kid-friendly or animated fan-fare that happened to fall into the open market at the time.

Therefore, it came to pass that Small Soldiers and Burger King teamed up. I’m sure they produced some toys for the Burger King Kids Club, or whatever, but none of that matters some eleven years later as none of those toys are around to satisfy our hungers. Only the Rodeo Burger remains. Which is something that I don’t understand as I’ve never seen the connection between the two entities. I mean, sure, I haven’t seen Small Soldiers in eleven years but I don’t recall Rodeo Burgers playing a big role in the film. The only thing I can think about is that Burger King, at the time, had already thought up the idea for the Rodeo Burger but just didn’t know how to market it. Low and behold, here comes Small Soldiers so they figured, “Fuck it, slap ‘em together and we’ll move on.”

Well, no one may remember Small Soldiers much anymore but if you go to your local Burger King chances are you will find a Rodeo Burger still available on the menu. Now, you might be once again asking a question after reading all of this: “What does talking about the history of the Rodeo Burger have anything to do with the title of this article?”

It’s simple really, though to understand the truth of it all I must take you back a few years. The equally horrible movie, “White Chicks”, had just come out and a few of my friends and I were eating some food at the local Burger King. One of my friends, The Paitch, related the story that I just explained above to all of us that night as he mowed down his Rodeo Burger. All of us being equally perplexed as to what the connection between such a sandwich and the movie had, we began to think of other movies that could benefit from a more fitting burger tie-in. For some reason another friend (Jim Joyce) and I decided that if ever there were to be a more perfect burger/movie-tie in it would have to be “The White Chicks Burger.”

The one thing that we could never agree on however was what exactly a “White Chicks Burger” would be. Clearly, we reasoned, since the plot of the movie deals with two black cops going undercover as two white women the normally black burger in question would have to be encased in some kind of white substance. At first I thought maybe vanilla icing would work, doubling as both dinner and desert, but as I thought more about it I reasoned that this would most likely taste disgusting.

Boy, was I wrong:

THE WHITE CHICKS BURGER RECIPE

INGREDIENTS

1xPackage of Hamburgers

1xPackage of Hamburger Buns

1xCan of White Vanilla Frosting

1xBag of Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

1xBottle of Ketchup/Catsup (not pictured)

DIRECTIONS

1. Cook as many hamburgers as you wish anyway you want as well-done or char broiled as you want, making sure that at least at the end of said cooking method the burger is no longer pink and is visible darkened.

2. Coat the burger with the vanilla frosting; not too much and not too little. You want to make sure that all dark parts of the burger are not showing. This is, in essence, the “white makeup” that you are putting on the burger much like the characters in the film do to their own faces/skin.

3. Put the now vanilla frosting coated burger on to one of the hamburger buns and top the burger halfway with mozzarella cheese. This will simulate the blond hair. Top the other half of the burger with ketchup/catsup which will simulate the lips/lipstick. Adding pickles or onions for eyeballs can be added to your preference, but I do not enjoy them so I didn’t.

4. Eat and…Enjoy?

Like I said, I wasn’t exactly sure where to go with this one. At first I thought about coating the burger with flour or breadcrumbs and frying it much like chicken-fried steak. However, this ended up being a disaster as the finished product was still quite black and didn’t give that whole “White Chicks” look about the burger.

That’s when I thought about vanilla frosting. At first I figured this would be disgusting, as mentioned before, and was hesitant to try it.

I was pleasantly surprised that the burger is quite tasty. The vanilla frosting does not overpower the burger at all and gives it a nice sweetness to it. Would I eat them all the time? I doubt it. Could it have worked as a movie-burger tie-in product?

Maybe, but only if it were for a limited amount of time. I can’t imagine people would be craving these things as much as they do the Rodeo Burger, but that’s just a testament to it’s everlasting power and appeal.