Over on BottomlessWit, a website run by two good friends of mine, they’ve been discussing junk food lately and I just had to add my two cents onto the topic with something that’s been on my mind as of late: when I was younger we were ruthless businessmen.

Every school day, in the lunchroom, it became like our own version of Wall Street as we sold, bought, traded and bartered our way towards a (hopefully) better dessert for that day. Sometimes, like the stock market, you win in the end while other times you hit rock bottom.

Confused? Let me break it down for you…

THE HEAVY HITTERS.

Cookies were always a popular trade, mostly chocolate chip or Oreos.

Although, there was often nothing worse than thinking you were getting chocolate chip only to find out that you had been deceived—they were really raisins! Since these were often most in demand, it was important to notice the details.

Name brand varieties held higher value than homemade, which were a gamble, unless you knew that the person you were trading with had a Mom that was good at baking.

Same could be said with brownies as there was often not many mainstream versions sold, those few were often sub par.

THE EASY BETS.

Fruit Snacks were a quick and easy trade in most situations as, really, they were more or less the same thing but two factors were always key when they were put into consideration on the trading block:

1. The Flavors

Normally fruit snacks come in small packs that contain about 8 or 10 pieces of a random assortment, unless you were dealing with a brand that stuck to just one flavor or had something special about them; i.e. Gushers, Fruit by the Foot or Fruit Roll-Ups. As mentioned with the cookies, name brands held a higher value amongst all others. Case in point…

2. The Shapes

Normally the shape of the fruit snack did not matter, seeing that they often looked like pieces of fruit or simply were rolled out into a flat shape. However, if there was a cartoon series or movie out that had a tie-in with a company that made fruit snacks, the value in this instantly went up as long as said property the snacks were based off of were popular enough. As soon as it wasn’t, your fruit snacks were just as worthless as the next.

THE GAME CHANGERS.

Every now and then there would come a new contender into the fray that would challenge previously held systems of beliefs and ways of going about transactions.

These new items may last or just be passing fads, but either way they would change the game either forever or for just a short time.

Examples: 

When Dunkaroos hit the scene they didn’t make that much of a splash at first, but like a cinnamon graham cracker scooping up frosting with sprinkles these started an uproar in the lunchroom.

While some people were content with simply eating it as advertised, using said cinnamon graham crackers to scoop up the previously mentioned frosting with sprinkles, others simply wanted it just for the frosting alone.

Shark Bites changed the fruit snack market forever when they arrived on the scene, which was odd for a fruit snack that wasn’t tied directly to an already established property but instead under another similar property of popularity: Sharks are awesome.

Shark Bites did something that no other fruit snack had done at the time and, in doing so, really changed the game as far as fruit snacks themselves were concerned; each pack had the possibility of having a great white shark piece.

The great white shark pieces, a mystery flavor, were the most sought of all pieces but the inclusion of them inside any given pack was totally random and a high gamble when under consideration for a trade.

If you were lucky the pack you got would have at least one. More than one and you hit the jackpot. If you opened a pack without one, however, it ruined your day.

LUNCHTIME WAS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Every year, around St. Patrick’s Day, McDonald’s rolls out their seasonal desert known only as the “Shamrock Shake” for a limited time and each year, without fail, I forget to buy one and give it a try. The luck of the Irish is never around, it seems, to help remind me; until this year!

After leaving the doctor’s office for my yearly physical, and losing five pounds recently from going to the gym, naturally I decided to celebrate by going to McDonald’s and buying one of their patented “triple thick” milkshakes, complete with artificial lime flavoring and a hint of faux mint.

The first McDonald’s I went to was having problems with their milkshake machine, much to my chagrin; was this a sign? Was I to never taste the sweet nectar of a Shamrock Shake? The second McDonald’s I went to wasn’t even serving them! Are you kidding me? I know that they say “participation may vary”, but are you serious?

I couldn’t believe it; somewhere, a leprechaun must be laughing at me! The third place I went to was the local mall which, at 9:30am, hadn’t even fully opened yet but I was surprised to find that some restaurants within the food court were indeed open.

Luckily one of them was, in fact, McDonald’s and, yes, they had Shamrock Shakes!

That’s when I was presented with this:

A vanilla milkshake mixed with some sort of green syrup; how did it taste? All right, I guess. I mean, it was nothing special.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that all my life I’ve been hyping it up as something special due to the fact that I’ve missed out on trying one every year until now, but it’s really not all that great, unfortunately.

You can hardly taste the artificial lime (which is good, because I hate lime unless it’s paired with lemon in some sort of carbonated drink) and the faux mint is just as hard to place amidst your taste buds.

Next year, I think I’ll just eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.

With summer upon us I’ve been thinking about various outdoor activities that I cannot wait to be apart of after being stuck inside various buildings and establishments all winter long. Barbe-ques instantly spring to mind. The smell of the charcoal cooking the raw meat; hamburger, hot dogs and chicken, oh my! I’ve also given much thought to another summer activity that involves fire and food: camping, namely the campfire.

Now while an enlarged open flame such as a campfire isn’t as controlled and easy to cook on as say, a grill, it has a certain charm to it that a grill just cannot hope to duplicate as far as cooking goes. By that I mean, of course, the S’more.

Everyone knows how to make the conventional S’more. Get a marshmallow, put it on a stick, roast it over an open fire and then stick it between two graham crackers and a piece of chocolate. Easy, no? Sure, but recently I thought to myself, “Isn’t that quite plain? How could one spice up a S’more?”

Then it hit me: reverse it! Reverse the S’more. Instead of a normal graham cracker, substitute a chocolate graham cracker. Forget the milk chocolate, get some white chocolate! While you’re at it why not throw out that plain old white marshmallow and put in a nice big chocolate one? That’s when I knew I was on to something special.

Something I like to call, “The EROM’S.”

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I’m an American.

Now, the stereotype about Americans would have you believe that we are all lazy, stupid and fat. Not one to let a classic die, I decided to keep that idea fresh in the mind of the world. I was inspired yesterday to create a monstrosity of meaty magnitude that no one had ever seen or eaten, as it were, as the creation in question was a sandwich of epic proportions!

First, a little back story… Read more

For as long as I can remember there has always existed a sort of unholy alliance between two corporate mega-powers of capitalism: the motion picture industry and the fast food industry. The glue that holds these towers of terror together is simply the youth of the nation. New animated movie coming out made by Disney? Better start producing those Happy Meals with toys of characters from said movie at the ready! Big summer blockbuster coming out? Why not throw in a Burger King restaurant in the movie and have some sort of contest as part of the movie’s marketing scheme. No matter how you look at it the two behemoths are washing each others hands in money.

Now, usually these things are only available for a limited amount of time. Once the movie is out of the theaters no one cares anymore and the remaining toys that didn’t get sold at the local McDonalds are soon thrown out the door in preparation of the next big thing. That is, of course, unless you are talking about the Rodeo Burger from Burger King. What is a Rodeo Burger, you may ask? It’s simply a cheeseburger that has onion rings on top of it as well as barbecue sauce. Now, you may ask, what’s so special about that?

Fact is, it wasn’t the King that brought the burger into existence but a little movie known as “Small Soldiers.” Read more