For as long as I can remember there has always existed a sort of unholy alliance between two corporate mega-powers of capitalism: the motion picture industry and the fast food industry. The glue that holds these towers of terror together is simply the youth of the nation. New animated movie coming out made by Disney? Better start producing those Happy Meals with toys of characters from said movie at the ready! Big summer blockbuster coming out? Why not throw in a Burger King restaurant in the movie and have some sort of contest as part of the movie’s marketing scheme. No matter how you look at it the two behemoths are washing each others hands in money.

Now, usually these things are only available for a limited amount of time. Once the movie is out of the theaters no one cares anymore and the remaining toys that didn’t get sold at the local McDonalds are soon thrown out the door in preparation of the next big thing. That is, of course, unless you are talking about the Rodeo Burger from Burger King. What is a Rodeo Burger, you may ask? It’s simply a cheeseburger that has onion rings on top of it as well as barbecue sauce. Now, you may ask, what’s so special about that?

Fact is, it wasn’t the King that brought the burger into existence but a little movie known as “Small Soldiers.”

If you don’t remember this movie I don’t blame you as it’s forgettable; which is a shame because it was Phil Hartman’s last role (playing some annoying neighbor).

None the less, the top executives behind this film felt like they had something on their hands: a pure cash cow. They saw action figures, they saw video games and they saw tie-ins with major fast food restaurants.

Seeing as how McDonalds still had their agreement with Disney at the time, it was more often than not that Burger King that would get first dibs on any other kid-friendly or animated fan-fare that happened to fall into the open market at the time.

Therefore, it came to pass that Small Soldiers and Burger King teamed up. I’m sure they produced some toys for the Burger King Kids Club, or whatever, but none of that matters some eleven years later as none of those toys are around to satisfy our hungers. Only the Rodeo Burger remains. Which is something that I don’t understand as I’ve never seen the connection between the two entities. I mean, sure, I haven’t seen Small Soldiers in eleven years but I don’t recall Rodeo Burgers playing a big role in the film. The only thing I can think about is that Burger King, at the time, had already thought up the idea for the Rodeo Burger but just didn’t know how to market it. Low and behold, here comes Small Soldiers so they figured, “Fuck it, slap ‘em together and we’ll move on.”

Well, no one may remember Small Soldiers much anymore but if you go to your local Burger King chances are you will find a Rodeo Burger still available on the menu. Now, you might be once again asking a question after reading all of this: “What does talking about the history of the Rodeo Burger have anything to do with the title of this article?”

It’s simple really, though to understand the truth of it all I must take you back a few years. The equally horrible movie, “White Chicks”, had just come out and a few of my friends and I were eating some food at the local Burger King. One of my friends, The Paitch, related the story that I just explained above to all of us that night as he mowed down his Rodeo Burger. All of us being equally perplexed as to what the connection between such a sandwich and the movie had, we began to think of other movies that could benefit from a more fitting burger tie-in. For some reason another friend (Jim Joyce) and I decided that if ever there were to be a more perfect burger/movie-tie in it would have to be “The White Chicks Burger.”

The one thing that we could never agree on however was what exactly a “White Chicks Burger” would be. Clearly, we reasoned, since the plot of the movie deals with two black cops going undercover as two white women the normally black burger in question would have to be encased in some kind of white substance. At first I thought maybe vanilla icing would work, doubling as both dinner and desert, but as I thought more about it I reasoned that this would most likely taste disgusting.

Boy, was I wrong:

THE WHITE CHICKS BURGER RECIPE

INGREDIENTS

1xPackage of Hamburgers

1xPackage of Hamburger Buns

1xCan of White Vanilla Frosting

1xBag of Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

1xBottle of Ketchup/Catsup (not pictured)

DIRECTIONS

1. Cook as many hamburgers as you wish anyway you want as well-done or char broiled as you want, making sure that at least at the end of said cooking method the burger is no longer pink and is visible darkened.

2. Coat the burger with the vanilla frosting; not too much and not too little. You want to make sure that all dark parts of the burger are not showing. This is, in essence, the “white makeup” that you are putting on the burger much like the characters in the film do to their own faces/skin.

3. Put the now vanilla frosting coated burger on to one of the hamburger buns and top the burger halfway with mozzarella cheese. This will simulate the blond hair. Top the other half of the burger with ketchup/catsup which will simulate the lips/lipstick. Adding pickles or onions for eyeballs can be added to your preference, but I do not enjoy them so I didn’t.

4. Eat and…Enjoy?

Like I said, I wasn’t exactly sure where to go with this one. At first I thought about coating the burger with flour or breadcrumbs and frying it much like chicken-fried steak. However, this ended up being a disaster as the finished product was still quite black and didn’t give that whole “White Chicks” look about the burger.

That’s when I thought about vanilla frosting. At first I figured this would be disgusting, as mentioned before, and was hesitant to try it.

I was pleasantly surprised that the burger is quite tasty. The vanilla frosting does not overpower the burger at all and gives it a nice sweetness to it. Would I eat them all the time? I doubt it. Could it have worked as a movie-burger tie-in product?

Maybe, but only if it were for a limited amount of time. I can’t imagine people would be craving these things as much as they do the Rodeo Burger, but that’s just a testament to it’s everlasting power and appeal.