Real Steel Merchandise

December 16, 2011 Movies No comments

It’s not often that I find myself in Toys R’ Us these days because, let’s face it, unless you’re a kid, or you’ve got a kid, you always feel a little out of place. Oh, sure, maybe their commercial jingle mentions how one doesn’t want to grow up, they want to be a Toys R’ Us kid, but the reality is that you will grow up and, as much as you want to think you’re still a kid at heart, there’s only so many times you can use the “I’m shopping for someone’s kid” excuse until you get some weird looks. Especially for someone like me who goes in there only to check out and see if they’ve got the newest professional wrestling action figures.

Don’t judge me.

Anyway, on a recent excursion, I happened to stumble on something that made me question my sanity for a moment. First of all, I should preface this by saying that I went to the theater and saw the movie, “Real Steel”. Yeah, you know the one, with Hugh Jackman and Rock’em Sock’em Robots. At least, that’s the joke that everyone kept making whenever anyone ever heard of the movie. Overall, I enjoyed the movie for what it was in that it was a movie with robots kicking the crap out of each other and something about a father and son coming together or whatever, but who cares about that?

ROBOTS!

FIGHTING!

FUCK YEAH!

Therefore, imagine my dismay when I saw this…

What the hell–?! Okay, so let me get this straight… you make a movie that people joked was just a Rock’em Sock’em Robot movie and so, therefore, you logically go ahead and make a damn toy that is basically just Rock’em Sock’em Robots?!

What is this, I don’t even…

Of course, considering that this is a toy it’s therefore targeted towards kids and, unless you’ve got a kid who knows his history, there’s a good chance that a kid this day has no idea what Rock’em Sock’em Robots even is so this is news to them, I guess.

Now, getting to control little plastic representations of robots is one thing, but getting to actually pretend you’re a robot yourself? You know, without the use of cardboard, a metal pasta strainer and multi-colored pipe cleaners (worst Halloween costume ever!).

Well, don’t worry, because the toy makers thought of everything…

ROBOT HAND BOXING GLOVES! Now, these are nothing really new I’m afraid. Back when The Hulk movie was all the rage they released giant green Hulk hands that made Hulk noises when you tried doing your best impression of the Hulk smashing stuff; except for, you know, box office records.

They did the same for The Thing (from the Fantastic Four, not the John Carpenter movie although that would have been awesome, too) but they went the extra mile be giving you FEET! Now, when I was kid, I had a pair of dinosaur slippers that used to roar every time I walked so I can see the appeal, but who wants to be The Thing? I mean, seriously.

Now, I know what you’re saying: “Yeah, wearing plush boxing gloves that make robot sounds is nice and all, but isn’t there a way I can look like a robot myself that I can buy instead of make myself that will look really, really bad?” Of course!

Although, why would you even think that, I have no idea…

I mean, look at this thing: it’s the ATOM ROLEPLAY SET! Now you too can dress up like the world’s worst robot for only THIRTY-FIVE(!!!) dollars!

This all inclusive set includes: a complete set of two orange mittens, a plastic mask that looks like something a well-known horror movie icon rejected and what appears to be either a long-sleeve t-shirt or a cheaply made smock that’s a nod to old cheap costumes from the 70′s. Everything old is new again!

By far, though, the creepiest thing about this is the child in the bottom right who is modeling the finished product.

Seriously, just take a look at this kid and ask yourself one question:

NIGHTMARE FUEL or FUTURE SERIAL KILLER?

Ideas for Board Game Movies

November 4, 2011 Movies No comments

While there have been many video games that have been turned into movies, there haven’t been that many board games that have had the same treatment. The only one that comes to mind is “Clue” which, at least to me, is one of my favorite comedy films of all time.

However, in the past year or so, I’ve heard rumors of board game movies that are set to come out within the the next few years such as Monopoly, Candy Land and Battleship, the later of  which has an actual trailer!

Well, Hollywood, if you’re completely out of ideas as this point than why not let me give you a few more if you’ve gotten so desperate as to steal ideas from board games…

PERFECTION

Remember the catchy jingle that was in the commercial?

“Put the pieces into the slot, make the right selection, but be quick you’re racing the clock; POP goes Perfection!” Well, okay, imagine this: an insane man whose goal is to weed out those who are not perfect sets up a series of bombs around a city.

These bombs can only be defused if someone perfectly aligns a series of electronic symbols into a computer connected to said explosives within a certain time period, or else they will explode.

A down on his luck detective who has always been a bit of a slob, and the antithesis of “perfect”, who was always good at puzzles finds himself wrapped up in this deadly game. It becomes not only a race against the clock to stop these bombs, but every time he defuses one it gets him one step closer to the location of the insane man himself whose behind everything.

CROSSFIRE

This board game had, quite possibly, the most epically awesome commercial of all time. Therefore, it can only be assumed that a movie based off of it would have to be equally as over the top and utterly ridiculous.

As the narrator in the commercial explains: “It’s sometime in the future; the ultimate challenge: Crossfire!”

Therefore, here’s how I see a movie based on the game being: Sometime in the future, sports have crossed with war into the ultimate challenge of life and death called “Crossfire”!

Ever since the introduction of this barbaric event, war has been abolished and instead a tournament that occurs every four years (replacing the Olympics) decides the powers of the world based on how well countries place within the tournament.

This year, the representative from the United States enters the tournament to reclaim the glory of his country after America lost early in the competition at the previous event and fell into hard times as a result. As this brave patriot makes his way through the tournament, he quickly learns that there is much backstabbing and greed that comes with it and must overcome all the odds to save not only himself but his entire country from the brink of annihilation!

MOUSE TRAP

Anyone who ever played this game never really played the game as much as they simply just set the damn thing up just to watch how it worked and then promptly boxed it back up again until they wanted to see how it worked again after watching the commercial.

If you were to actually make a movie based on this board game, I think you could go the “SAW” route with it in terms of it being about an inventor who becomes so obsessed with trying to make the perfect mouse trap that he starts using human test subjects. Plus, Rube Goldberg traps of death just sound dangerously awesome.

In Defense of… Scar

October 30, 2011 In Defense of... No comments

I’m not a lawyer, but I do enjoy playing the devil’s advocate quite often in most situations because, well, everyone deserves a fair trial, right? Even Disney villains who, I believe, often get an unfair shake most times.

Just recently in fact, while I attended a screening of “The Lion King” in 3D, I noticed something that bothered me (besides the 3D) even though I had seen the movie numerous times in my lifetime since it’s release.

Of course, when you’re a kid you don’t tend to really see things in gray, it’s all black and white. The heroes are good and the villains are bad, as we are led to believe within the parameters of the story.

However, something about what happened in the film made me wonder if Scar was really that bad of a guy in the end…

I mean, yes, okay, he killed his brother Mufasa. I understand that, but that’s not what I am debating in this article.

I am debating the fact that, under his rule as king, he allowed the Pride Land to turn into a wasteland; this was NOT his fault!

First off, how long was Simba gone from the Pride Land before he returned?

While it’s never specifically stated within the movie, Simba goes from being a cub to a full grown adult lion by the time that he does and a lion reaches maturity at about 3 years.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, this is how old Simba was when he was driven out of the Pride Lands by Scar. It’s also stated by the previously mentioned website that lions start to age and weaken by 10 to 15 years old.

So, again, for argument sake let’s say that Simba was gone from the Pride Lands for seven years and was 10 years old when he returned with Scar, no doubt, near the tail end of a Lion’s lifespan. Therefore, one may ask, what could happen in seven years? Oh, I don’t know… maybe a massive drought?

According to the NOAA, droughts in Africa occur quite often (usually between the months of January to May) and are also quite severe.

Therefore, who is to really say that the terrible drought-like conditions of the Pride Lands during Scars reign are really due to his terrible rule as king?

If anything, I say Mufasa just got lucky during his reign. It was probably the off-season.

I mean, sure, Scar let the hyenas run free and eat some of the animals that the lions and others ate, scaring them off, but don’t you think that perhaps say, oh I don’t know, a DROUGHT would do more to drive away animals and therefore give others a lack of food?

If anything, the other members of the Pride were simply idiots for following Scar in the first place. Isn’t it instinct for most animals to go elsewhere for food if there isn’t any at their current location? Sure, Scar was a selfish ruler in that he used the hyenas to keep the rest of the pride there and hunt and gather food for him, but still…

The point is this: Scar, as much as he is a murderer and a terrible ruler, cannot be held responsible for a natural disaster like a drought.

Call me a terrible devil’s advocate and/or lawyer, if you will, but I think I proved my point!

The Lunchroom Barter System

October 29, 2011 Food No comments

Over on BottomlessWit, a website run by two good friends of mine, they’ve been discussing junk food lately and I just had to add my two cents onto the topic with something that’s been on my mind as of late: when I was younger we were ruthless businessmen.

Every school day, in the lunchroom, it became like our own version of Wall Street as we sold, bought, traded and bartered our way towards a (hopefully) better dessert for that day. Sometimes, like the stock market, you win in the end while other times you hit rock bottom.

Confused? Let me break it down for you…

THE HEAVY HITTERS.

Cookies were always a popular trade, mostly chocolate chip or Oreos.

Although, there was often nothing worse than thinking you were getting chocolate chip only to find out that you had been deceived—they were really raisins! Since these were often most in demand, it was important to notice the details.

Name brand varieties held higher value than homemade, which were a gamble, unless you knew that the person you were trading with had a Mom that was good at baking.

Same could be said with brownies as there was often not many mainstream versions sold, those few were often sub par.

THE EASY BETS.

Fruit Snacks were a quick and easy trade in most situations as, really, they were more or less the same thing but two factors were always key when they were put into consideration on the trading block:

1. The Flavors

Normally fruit snacks come in small packs that contain about 8 or 10 pieces of a random assortment, unless you were dealing with a brand that stuck to just one flavor or had something special about them; i.e. Gushers, Fruit by the Foot or Fruit Roll-Ups. As mentioned with the cookies, name brands held a higher value amongst all others. Case in point…

2. The Shapes

Normally the shape of the fruit snack did not matter, seeing that they often looked like pieces of fruit or simply were rolled out into a flat shape. However, if there was a cartoon series or movie out that had a tie-in with a company that made fruit snacks, the value in this instantly went up as long as said property the snacks were based off of were popular enough. As soon as it wasn’t, your fruit snacks were just as worthless as the next.

THE GAME CHANGERS.

Every now and then there would come a new contender into the fray that would challenge previously held systems of beliefs and ways of going about transactions.

These new items may last or just be passing fads, but either way they would change the game either forever or for just a short time.

Examples: 

When Dunkaroos hit the scene they didn’t make that much of a splash at first, but like a cinnamon graham cracker scooping up frosting with sprinkles these started an uproar in the lunchroom.

While some people were content with simply eating it as advertised, using said cinnamon graham crackers to scoop up the previously mentioned frosting with sprinkles, others simply wanted it just for the frosting alone.

 

Shark Bites changed the fruit snack market forever when they arrived on the scene, which was odd for a fruit snack that wasn’t tied directly to an already established property but instead under another similar property of popularity: Sharks are awesome.

Shark Bites did something that no other fruit snack had done at the time and, in doing so, really changed the game as far as fruit snacks themselves were concerned; each pack had the possibility of having a great white shark piece.

The great white shark pieces, a mystery flavor, were the most sought of all pieces but the inclusion of them inside any given pack was totally random and a high gamble when under consideration for a trade.

If you were lucky the pack you got would have at least one. More than one and you hit the jackpot. If you opened a pack without one, however, it ruined your day.

 

LUNCHTIME WAS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Review: McDonald’s Shamrock Shake

March 16, 2011 Food No comments

Every year, around St. Patrick’s Day, McDonald’s rolls out their seasonal desert known only as the “Shamrock Shake” for a limited time and each year, without fail, I forget to buy one and give it a try. The luck of the Irish is never around, it seems, to help remind me; until this year!

After leaving the doctor’s office for my yearly physical, and losing five pounds recently from going to the gym, naturally I decided to celebrate by going to McDonald’s and buying one of their patented “triple thick” milkshakes, complete with artificial lime flavoring and a hint of faux mint.

The first McDonald’s I went to was having problems with their milkshake machine, much to my chagrin; was this a sign? Was I to never taste the sweet nectar of a Shamrock Shake? The second McDonald’s I went to wasn’t even serving them! Are you kidding me? I know that they say “participation may vary”, but are you serious?

I couldn’t believe it; somewhere, a leprechaun must be laughing at me! The third place I went to was the local mall which, at 9:30am, hadn’t even fully opened yet but I was surprised to find that some restaurants within the food court were indeed open.

Luckily one of them was, in fact, McDonald’s and, yes, they had Shamrock Shakes!

That’s when I was presented with this:

A vanilla milkshake mixed with some sort of green syrup; how did it taste? All right, I guess. I mean, it was nothing special.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that all my life I’ve been hyping it up as something special due to the fact that I’ve missed out on trying one every year until now, but it’s really not all that great, unfortunately.

You can hardly taste the artificial lime (which is good, because I hate lime unless it’s paired with lemon in some sort of carbonated drink) and the faux mint is just as hard to place amidst your taste buds.

Next year, I think I’ll just eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Webcomics Weekend 2: Electric Boogaloo

November 20, 2010 Comics No comments

I attended the second annual Webcomics Weekend two weeks ago (and yes, I’m finally getting around to talking about it) after attending the very first event of the same name the year prior; and I’ll continue to be in attendance as long as they keep having the event every subsequent year. What follows is a bullet-point style report of some of the shenanigans, observations and general sights or sounds that I took in while I was there: 

  • Two major issues arose as I entered the building in question where the event has been held both years, within the confines of Eastworks in East Hampton, MA:

1. There used to be this awesome little restaurant in the building the first year that I went and they made some amazing food. Unfortunately, it changed management and is now a mediocre burger and sandwich shop. An interesting story that always gets brought up between myself and a friend who attended with me is that on the Sunday morning of last year I ordered a breakfast burrito that was so large I simply could not finish it. Best yet, sitting at the table next to us was the Webcomics.com crew who, just a day earlier, recorded a hilarious podcast live which I got to sit in on.

2. The first year I went there was a used record store inside the building which, unfortunately, was no longer in business the second time around. This troubled me doubly because the first year I bought a vinyl copy of Journey’s “Escape” for a dollar only to discover, once I got back home, that the record inside the sleeve was actually the Moody Blues. Lame.

  • Whenever you go to a convention you always got to wonder: Who will be there? Well,  there were a lot of people who showed up that I was excited to see that were not in attendance the first year but, just the same, there were people from the first year that did not return the second year:

1. Jeff Zugale: I’ll admit that I am not really a fan of his webcomic; not for any reason other than I just have no interest in it. However, I do enjoy his music. He recorded only one album, which was only released in Japan, and, unfortunately, did not do well in sales. When I talked to him the first year I asked if he had any copies of the album for sale and he said that if I contacted him via email he could make me a copy.

However, I did him one better and found an original copy on eBay for $70! I emailed him and told him this and he was ecstatic and told me that if I brought it with me next year he would sign it for me but, alas, he could not make it the second year due to his wife having a baby and other financial situations.

2. The Webcomics.com Crew: As I mentioned above, sitting in on their live podcast recording was quite possible the major highlight of the first year and I looked forward to seeing them again this year but, for whatever reason, none of them (except for Dave Kellett, who mostly just ran a booth) was able to attend; maybe next year? Or not, we’ll see.

  • Now, as for the people who were there that I was happy to get to meet and, above all else, get them to sign my books of their respective work:

1. Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content: I follow him on Twitter and one thing we have in common is that we like to watch very bad movies with friends, and one such movie that I learned about from both him and another friend that also follows his Twitter, is a movie called: “Birdemic“. The sketch on the left which I requested Jeph draw in my copy of his first book is a picture of one of his characters, Yelling Bird, attacking another one of his characters, Pintsize, who is defending himself with a hanger. If you’ve never seen the movie, “Birdemic”, than this might not make any sense. Any way, Jeph thought this picture was quite humorous and, while he was drawing it, we talked about some bad movies including, “The Room” and the insanity/genius that is Tommy Wiseau. We even did our best impression of him yelling random things. It was awesome. Jeph is a cool guy and a class act, no doubt. His dog, Shelby, even smelled me and I got to pat her!

2. Aaron Diaz of Dresden Codak: When I approached him I asked to buy one of his books and he asked me if I wanted a sketch inside and I said, “Sure”, but when he asked me what I wanted a sketch of I froze up like the kid in “A Christmas Story” when he meets Santa. So, he just drew me Hob, one of his robot creations from his strip. If I thought more about it I probably would have asked him to draw me a picture of Captain Picard doing something silly, as earlier Mr. Diaz was apart of a panel where webcomic artists talked about their Star Trek fandom. While he was drawing, I asked him about one of his side projects simply entitled, “The Dresden Codak Show” and we talked about that for a few minutes. Certainly an intelligent guy and I only wish I could have prepared myself to say something a bit more intelligent back at him.

3. Kate Beaton of Hark! A Vagrant: She was the one that I was looking forward to meeting the most, as it would seem that way with a lot of people who were there because her line was, quite possibly, the longest line of anyone that weekend and I think it really took a toll on her because she left early the first day. She ended up leaving early the second day, too, but luckily I was able to get in line and get her to sign her book for me before she left for the day. Don’t get me wrong, she was very nice, but I could tell that she was a bit stressed out at this point and it seemed to me like she underestimated just how popular she has become in such a short time. I wanted to get her to draw a sketch for me that was a bit more elaborate than what she ended up doing, but her wrist was really hurting her at that point to where her hand was visibly shaking as she wrote the following note in my book and I felt really bad afterwards:

“Hey Travis! I’m so glad you got one of the first books. I’m sorry my hand is cramped up, but I will draw more comics for you on the internet! <3 Kate”

It was still sweet, though. I didn’t even know that I bought one of her first books but, according to her, the first run of her book (which I got) had a glossy cover while the others were matted. Of course, this is probably why the ink from her sharpie kind of smudged and took longer to dry on my book, but it still held up more or less. Either way, I really appreciate her having been there and I hope she comes again next time! As for what I wanted her to draw, I wanted her to do a sketch of Napoleon riding the pony from her strip.

You’d have to listen to her appearance on my friend’s podcast, in which I called in and talked to her, to understand.

  • All in all, an awesome time and I simply cannot wait for next year! Well, I mean, other stuff DID happen this year like panels, or whatever, but… ’til next time!

EROM’S: The Reverse S’more

May 19, 2009 Food No comments

With summer upon us I’ve been thinking about various outdoor activities that I cannot wait to be apart of after being stuck inside various buildings and establishments all winter long. Barbe-ques instantly spring to mind. The smell of the charcoal cooking the raw meat; hamburger, hot dogs and chicken, oh my! I’ve also given much thought to another summer activity that involves fire and food: camping, namely the campfire.

Now while an enlarged open flame such as a campfire isn’t as controlled and easy to cook on as say, a grill, it has a certain charm to it that a grill just cannot hope to duplicate as far as cooking goes. By that I mean, of course, the S’more.

Everyone knows how to make the conventional S’more. Get a marshmallow, put it on a stick, roast it over an open fire and then stick it between two graham crackers and a piece of chocolate. Easy, no? Sure, but recently I thought to myself, “Isn’t that quite plain? How could one spice up a S’more?”

Then it hit me: reverse it! Reverse the S’more. Instead of a normal graham cracker, substitute a chocolate graham cracker. Forget the milk chocolate, get some white chocolate! While you’re at it why not throw out that plain old white marshmallow and put in a nice big chocolate one? That’s when I knew I was on to something special.

Something I like to call, “The EROM’S.”

Read more

THE McORGY

March 17, 2009 Food No comments

I’m an American.

Now, the stereotype about Americans would have you believe that we are all lazy, stupid and fat. Not one to let a classic die, I decided to keep that idea fresh in the mind of the world. I was inspired yesterday to create a monstrosity of meaty magnitude that no one had ever seen or eaten, as it were, as the creation in question was a sandwich of epic proportions!

First, a little back story… Read more

WHITE CHICKS: The Burger

January 12, 2009 Food 3 comments

For as long as I can remember there has always existed a sort of unholy alliance between two corporate mega-powers of capitalism: the motion picture industry and the fast food industry. The glue that holds these towers of terror together is simply the youth of the nation. New animated movie coming out made by Disney? Better start producing those Happy Meals with toys of characters from said movie at the ready! Big summer blockbuster coming out? Why not throw in a Burger King restaurant in the movie and have some sort of contest as part of the movie’s marketing scheme. No matter how you look at it the two behemoths are washing each others hands in money.

Now, usually these things are only available for a limited amount of time. Once the movie is out of the theaters no one cares anymore and the remaining toys that didn’t get sold at the local McDonalds are soon thrown out the door in preparation of the next big thing. That is, of course, unless you are talking about the Rodeo Burger from Burger King. What is a Rodeo Burger, you may ask? It’s simply a cheeseburger that has onion rings on top of it as well as barbecue sauce. Now, you may ask, what’s so special about that?

Fact is, it wasn’t the King that brought the burger into existence but a little movie known as “Small Soldiers.” Read more